good or bad letter please tell

[dogtown01]

i am about to send out my letters to the CRA's and i would like some feed back to see what ya guys think




Ron Fakename
123 fake street
Manhatten Beach CA, 90259

Social Security number: 111-11-1111
Date of birth: 04-01-1964

Equifax
P. O. Box 740241
Atlanta, GA 30374-0241
09/09/2010

Dear Credit Bureau,
I applied for a loan last week and I was told that my credit scores were too low so I requested my credit reports and after reviewing them I have noticed numerous errors! I am sure that this is not normal? Please correct these errors as soon as possible!
I have no record or knowledge of the following accounts:

1. Bank of America
Account Type: Revolving
Account Number: XXXX
Payment Responsibility: Individual
Date Opened: 02/2004
Balance Date: 05/2010
Balance Amount: $0
Monthly Payment:
High/Limit: $500
Account Status: Collection
Past Due Amount: $0

2. Capital One
Account Type: Revolving
Account Number: 48623624XXXX
Payment Responsibility: Individual
Date Opened: 07/2004
Balance Date: 04/2010
Balance Amount: $0
Monthly Payment:
High/Limit: $200
Account Status: Collection
Past Due Amount: $0

3. MIDLAND CREDIT MANAGEMENT
Account Type: Open
Account Number: 852730XXXX
Payment Responsibility: Individual
Date Opened: 04/2008
Balance Date: 08/2010
Balance Amount: $933
Monthly Payment: $0
High/Limit: $933
Account Status: Collection
Past Due Amount: $933
Comments: COLLECTION ACCOUNT

4. I.C. SYSTEMS INC
Reported Not Reported
Collector: I.C. SYSTEMS INC
Account Number: 351366XXXX
Date Opened: 08/2008
Balance Date: 04/2009
Balance Amount: $136
Date of Status: 04/2009
Status: Closed

5. GREATER CALIFORNIA FINANCIAL S
Reported
Collector: GREATER CALIFORNIA FINANCIAL S
Account Number: 6643XXXX
Date Opened: 03/2008
Balance Date: 05/2010
Balance Amount: $1,754
Date of Status: 05/2010
Status: Closed


If any of these accounts are verified, please furnish me with the name and address of the verifying party, the method of verification, and the reported first delinquency from the original creditor. Thanks for your time!
Sincerely,

Ron Fakename

[chane]

It looks good, you don't have to list all of the details of the account, but it doesn't hurt to do that either.

[dogtown01]

thank you for taking a look at it ill send them out to day. i would be so lost f i didnt have you guys to help me.